A Better Man
by MitchPell
Summary: Jean tries to say goodbye.


Title: A Better Man  
  
Author: MitchPell  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has to do with The X-Men, their characters, Marvel comics, or the anything else that's related. Nor do I own anything that has to do with Pearl Jam and the sound "Better Man." I'm just using their stuff for a little non-profit fun.  
  
Author Notes: I want to thank jollycynic and xmenloganfan for taking the time to beta-read for me! I appreciate all of the help! This fanfic takes place in the time between X-Men and X2. The song "Better Man" by Pearl Jam fueled the idea for the story, so I included the lyrics at the end.  
  
Summary: Jean tries to say goodbye.  
  
Email: mitchpell@yahoo.com  
  
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"I'm sorry, Scott. You're my best friend, and you always will be. But I don't love you, at least not in the way you want me to. I'm sorry."  
  
Jean shook her head as she stared down at the bathroom sink. She'd been standing there for the past two hours, as she had most nights of the past few weeks, trying to find the best wording. But she could never get it to sound right, to make the words seem anything but hollow. Scott deserved better than that. He deserved better than someone whose heart wasn't fully in it, better than someone who was just settling, better than weak apologies.  
  
She let out a sigh of frustration before lifting to her head to look at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. "You know, Scott, we've been together for a long time. In fact, you're the only guy I've ever seriously dated. And we've had some wonderful times together, moments I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. But I've realized something, these past couple of weeks. I've realized that I love you. I love you so very much.but I'm not in love with you, Scott. You've always been there for me, supported me. When I was struggling through medical school, when my telepathy overpowered me, you were always there, right by my side. And I can never thank you enough for that."  
  
"But.I've realized that I've never done the same for you. I have been there for you, but never with the same level of intensity as you have for me; never as a lover, at least not for a long time. And you deserve more than that. You should want more than that. I'm sorry, Scott. But I can't pretend anymore."  
  
Jean let off a soft harsh laugh as she stepped away from the mirror, wiping away the tears that flowed freely down her cheeks. I can't do this, she thought as she paced the small room, I can't. "God, what is wrong with me?" She demanded. "Why can't I be happy? Why can't I love him?"  
  
But she already knew the answer to that question. She couldn't love him, because Logan had opened her eyes. He reminded her of what it was like to be attracted to somebody, to have your heart speed up when someone walked into a room. And she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt that with Scott. The lust, the spark, between them was long gone, replaced by a sense of familiarity, of normality, of routine.  
  
For a while, it had been what she needed. She'd needed something and someone secure in her life. And Scott had given her that; he'd given her someplace safe to go. But now, she no longer needed that. She was now comfortable in her role in life, comfortable with her body and her powers. She felt a need for change, for something new, for excitement. And ever since Liberty Island, that need was growing stronger.  
  
But though she felt as if she'd outgrown Scott, nothing could change the fact that he was her best friend. And she didn't want to hurt him. Which meant that she could no longer continue to lie to him.  
  
Jean wiped the last remaining tears from her eyes, before glancing up at the clock that hung on the wall. She was shocked to see how late it was, wondering how she could have missed the fact that it was nearing four o'clock in the morning. She quickly washed her face with cold water, to try to ease the swelling around her eyes, and then slipped quietly into Scott's and her bed.  
  
She had just gotten situated, when she heard the bedroom door creep open followed by Scott's soft footsteps. She just lay there, pretending to sleep, while listening to him try to get ready for bed without waking her. He'd been out on a recruitment mission, and if the hour was anyway to tell, it must not have gone well.  
  
As he lay down beside her and wrapped his strong arm around her, Jean was struck with guilt. She didn't deserve to be lying there with him, not if she didn't truly want what he was giving her. She didn't deserve it. She wanted more, craved more. But the reason she held on was selfish. She was afraid. She was afraid, because she knew that she would never find a man that had treated her as Scott had.  
  
Jean bit back the tears as she felt him pull her closer to him, and heard him whisper, "I love you" in her ear.  
  
"I love you too, Scott." She lied, because she knew deep down, she'd never find a better man.  
  
The End.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop  
  
Tell him; take no more, she practices her speech  
  
As he opens the door, she rolls over...  
  
Pretends to sleep, as he looks her over  
  
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...  
  
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...  
  
Can't find a better man  
  
Can't find a better man  
  
Ohh...  
  
Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...  
  
She tells herself, oh...  
  
Memories back when she was bold and strong  
  
And waiting for the world to come along...  
  
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone  
  
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...  
  
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...  
  
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...  
  
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...  
  
Can't find a better man  
  
Can't find a better man  
  
Yeah...  
  
She loved him, yeah...she don't want to leave this way  
  
She feeds him, yeah...that's why she'll be back again  
  
Can't find a better man  
  
Can't find a better man  
  
Can't find a better man  
  
Can't find a better...man... 


End file.
